How often does someone say to you something like the below?

• “You’re not hearing me”

• “You’re not listening to me”

• “You need to work on your listening skills”

• “I don’t feel heard”

If you’re a change agent / leader who is hearing this at least once a week, whether it’s in your professional or personal life, then it’s time to admit to yourself, you could improve your listening skills.  Especially if your responses have been anything like the below:

• “I heard you”

• “Yes I am”

• “I don’t need to work on my listening skills.  I listen just fine”

• “Well that’s your problem”

The responses above (or anything similar to them) further validate the person’s opinion you’re not hearing them, and it’s demonstrating defensiveness. If someone communicates to you you’re not hearing them, it’s time to pause, take a deep breath, bring yourself to the present (i.e. stop thinking about your next meeting, the item your boss just asked you for, etc.), and get curious instead of defensive.  What does getting curious look like?  It’s responses like:

• “I heard you say….” then paraphrase back to the person the key messages you heard them say in 3-4 sentences or less (keep it succinct!), and follow it up with “what information did I miss?”

• “What am I doing that’s communicating I’m not hearing you?”

• “I’m sorry I was distracted, I’m present now, can you please repeat what you just said?”

To be an effective change agent / leader, good listening skills are vital.  Listening is vital because:

• It helps stakeholders accept change more easily 

• It puts people at ease when they know they have been heard

• It reduces stakeholder stress

• It gets more perspectives on the table which leads to better solutions 

• It develops better relationships with stakeholders 

• Stakeholders will offer more information when they trust it will be heard and acknowledged 

So put your ego and pride aside, take a deep breath the next time someone says to you “you’re not hearing me”, and practice curiosity.  You’ll be amazed at what you uncover!

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About the Author: Rosanne Essiambre helps change agents and departments in one-on-one and group settings to be seen, be heard, and be effective in bringing about change in the organization and/or in their personal lives. She provides consulting and facilitation to organizations to improve communications and collaboration, smooth out the change / transformation journey, get to the root cause of an issue so it can be solved for good, improve processes, and implement successful lessons learned. And she conducts workshops, trains, and speaks on Energy Leadership, Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Being a Change Agent and more. If you or your organization could use support with your change effort or some inspiration, contact Rosanne for a complimentary consultation. Rosanne is a Change Agent Coach, Facilitator, Six Sigma Black Belt, Change Management / Continuous Improvement Consultant, Speaker, and Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner with more than 20 years experience working on a variety of transformations across a diverse set of industries both domestically and internationally, while continuously improving herself.