At work, do you find yourself saying things like the below?

• “You should talk to Pete about the change”

• “Cathy, as your mentor, I’m telling you, you should take this course”

• “My advice, you should….”

How about in your personal life?  End up saying things like:

• “Patricia, you should listen to me, I know what I’m talking about”

• “You should just leave, you hate working there anyways”

• “Dan, you should talk to your daughter”

Notice in all of the above statements, you’re telling someone they “should” do something. 

As change agents and leaders, we're often providing recommendations.  And there is a difference between providing a recommendation and telling someone they “should” do something.  If you answered yes to the above questions, you’re actually “shoulding” on people.  What’s the big deal with doing this and what’s the difference between the two?

What is the difference between providing a recommendation and “shoulding" on people?

• A recommendation is a suggestion or proposal for a course of action, and usually you have been asked to provide the recommendation

• “Shoulding” on people is being judgmental, telling someone what they ought to do because deep down you believe “you know what’s best for them”, and usually the person never asked for your opinion or advice

What does “shoulding” on people typically cost you?  It:

1. Weakens your relationships as:

• Most people dislike being judged and told what to do, especially when they never asked for your advice

• It puts pressure on the person to take a particular course of action and most people dislike feeling pressured

• The person goes unhelped as what you think is best for them, may actually be poor advice for that individual

2. Decreases your leadership ability as it is demotivating for people to be judged and told what to do

• Just think back to the days when you were a teenager; how much did you like it when your parents told you what you “should” do?

3. Takes a mental, emotional and physical toll on you and is draining

• You may be reading this and thinking, how so?  If that's the case, my “Energy Leadership - Your Mindset Matters” Talk is a great place to learn more about this and to further understand the costs above

As a Change Agent Coach, I come across a lot of change agents and leaders “shoulding” on people.  Most times they are completely unaware they’re doing this and what it’s costing them in their career and personal life.

If you’re one who has been “shoulding” all over people, you may be doing this from a true desire to help, and if that is the case, there are much more effective ways to be of service to the person. 

Awareness is the first step to any change, so the next time you catch yourself about to “should” on someone, ask yourself:

• “Are the costs above worth me “shoulding” on this person”?

Call to Action

• Want to make a different choice and struggling to stop “shoulding” on people or unsure what to do instead?  Reach out to Rosanne for help so you can enhance your relationships, increase your leadership ability, have more energy, and be a more effective change agent / leader for yourself, your organization, and your family.

• Using the comments feature, what did you learn from a previous time you “should” on someone?

• Found this blog useful or know someone this can help? Share it with your network and sign up at the bottom of the home page to receive the latest blog posts.

About the Author: Rosanne Essiambre helps change agents and departments in one-on-one and group settings to be seen, be heard, and be effective in bringing about change in the organization and/or in their personal lives.  She provides consulting and facilitation to organizations to improve communications and collaboration, smooth out the change / transformation journey, get to the root cause of an issue so it can be solved for good, improve processes, and implement successful lessons learned. And she conducts workshops, trains, and speaks on Energy Leadership, Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Being a Change Agent and more. If you or your organization could use support with your change effort or some inspiration, contact Rosanne for a complimentary discovery session. Rosanne is a Change Agent Coach, Facilitator, Six Sigma Black Belt, Change Management / Continuous Improvement Consultant, Speaker, and Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner with more than 20 years experience working on a variety of transformations across a diverse set of industries both domestically and internationally, while continuously improving herself.