How often does the below happen when you apologize to someone?
The person has their arms crossed
You receive an eye roll from the person
The person says nothing or they get upset
A big exasperated sigh escapes the person’s lips
The person has a look of irritation on their face
If you’re a change agent / leader and the above frequently happens when you apologize, whether it’s in your professional or personal life, it’s time to admit to yourself, you could improve how you say I’m sorry. Especially if you’ve been doing any of the below when apologizing:
Explaining why you did what you did
Defending your actions or making excuses
Following the words “I’m sorry” with the word “but”
Not actually feeling remorseful
Neglecting to ask how you can make it up to the person
If you’re doing any of the first four items above when apologizing, or something similar, you’re actually trying to justify your actions instead of apologize for them.
How do you feel when someone who has hurt you launches into a long explanation of why they did what they did or makes excuses for their actions? Most likely not very good, hence the crossed arms, eye rolls, silence, upset, exasperated sighs, and looks of irritation you’ve been receiving. So the next time you overstep and want to apologize, consider trying the below two steps instead:
With empathy and showing real remorse say “I’m sorry for…” and then clarify what you’re apologizing for in 1-2 sentences (keep it succinct)
Ask one of the below questions:
“How can I make it up to you?”
“How can I make amends?”
“How can I earn your trust back?”
That’s it, that’s how you can effectively apologize. It’s super tempting to want to explain your actions, and, what the hurt person really cares about is:
Do you have empathy for how I’ve been hurt?
Do you regret what you said or did?
Do you care about my feelings?
Are you taking responsibility for your actions?
Now that you’ve read this, reflect on, how much have you been making your apologies about you instead of the person you hurt? Who do you want the apology to be about going forward?
Call to Action
Struggling with improving how you apologize? Reach out to Rosanne for help so you can be seen, heard, and effective in your relationships.
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About the Author: Rosanne Essiambre helps change agents and departments in one-on-one and group settings to be seen, be heard, and be effective in bringing about change in the organization and/or in their personal lives. She provides consulting and facilitation to organizations to improve communications and collaboration, smooth out the change / transformation journey, get to the root cause of an issue so it can be solved for good, improve processes, and implement successful lessons learned. And she conducts workshops, trains, and speaks on Energy Leadership, Emotional Intelligence, Resilience, Being a Change Agent and more. If you or your organization could use support with your change effort or some inspiration, contact Rosanne for a complimentary consultation. Rosanne is a Change Agent Coach, Facilitator, Six Sigma Black Belt, Change Management / Continuous Improvement Consultant, Speaker, and Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner with more than 20 years experience working on a variety of transformations across a diverse set of industries both domestically and internationally, while continuously improving herself.